nightrider101 (nightrider101) wrote,

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FIC: The Adventures of Parker and Cohen 1/6

FIC: The Adventures of Parker and Cohen
Author: NightRider
Rating: G - This chapter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Beta: The forever amazing starxd_sparrow
Characters: The Tenth Doctor and the Torchwood Team
Summary: The Doctor's antics continue and with Owen as a guide, how will Jack ever cope?
A/N: This is the sequel to Scorched Food. You'll see the similarities in the next chapter. :)
Dedication: For my gentle reader, petit_fox.

“Gwen, go around back,” Jack whispered into his ear piece. “Let’s see if we can take them by surprise.”

“There’s too many of them,” Ianto hissed, his hand shaking as he reached for his gun.

“Does anyone even know what the hell they are?” Owen asked.

“That would be planning ahead,” Tosh replied while pressing several buttons on the device she was holding. “Torchwood doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”

“Oi! I heard that!” Jack growled.


Jack shook his head and decided to keep issuing orders; acting like he knew exactly what he was doing was half the battle. “Owen, you and Tosh cover the exit in case they try to run.”

“Perhaps I’m the only one that noticed, but each one of those creatures has six legs. If they decide to run, nothing short of one of Ianto’s boring stories is going to stop them,” Owen replied.

“We want to incapacitate them, not kill them,” Tosh said with a mischievous grin.

“Was I talking to myself earlier?” Jack asked. “I thought I said for you and Owen to cover the exit. Ianto, with me.”

“Yeah, that’s a huge surprise,” Owen muttered. “He could at least be honest. ‘Ianto, on me.’”

“Will you four stop bickering?” Gwen hissed through the earpiece. “They’re starting to move.”

“Hurry, Ianto, tell them a story!”

“Owen,” Jack barked, “Shut up and do your job!”

“I’m doing my job. Just with more attitude and general heroic behavior.”

“Does general heroic behavior also include being a complete bastard?” Ianto asked.

Jack sighed, pushing Ianto into the corner when one of the massive blue creatures glanced in their direction. “When we’re finished here, I’m taking every one of your earpieces.”


Jack carefully looked around the corner. Five - no, six, large blue aliens were milling around the front pews of the old church and appeared to be inspecting the ancient pipe organ. Why did it have to be a church? Not that Jack was a religious man, but churches raised the overall creepiness factor by at least twenty percent.

“Okay, I’m going to go out there and see what they want,” Jack whispered, nodding to Ianto.

“Jack, they’ve got teeth as big as your leg. Short of a better dental plan, I think I can tell you what they want,” Ianto growled, trying to keep his voice down.

“I think we should go with the 'Ianto, tell them a story' idea,” Gwen murmured.

“Just stay back until we know what their intentions are,” Jack ordered before stepping out from behind the wall and approaching the loitering aliens.

“Captain Jack Harkness from Tor –“

A blood curdling screech filled the expansive room causing Jack to drop on his knees and cover his ears.

“Jack, are you all right?” Ianto called as he rounded the corner to follow his leader. The aliens had the same reaction to Ianto’s approach, lifting their massive heads towards the vaulted ceiling and screaming loudly.

Gwen ran into the room, pointing her gun towards the closest alien and waiting for Jack to give the order to fire.

The aliens pounded the floor with their feet, shaking their heads violently back and forth.

“Jack, do you need back up?” Owen whispered, his tone serious. He glanced at Tosh who was mirroring his expression of concern. They didn’t want to be covering the stupid exit while their teammates were in danger. “What do you want us to do?” Owen repeated.

“I don’t think they want to talk,” Gwen whispered as she and Ianto pulled Jack to his feet.

In keeping with Torchwood’s usual luck – see also: no luck at all -, Ianto’s cell phone started ringing a jovial tune at the most inopportune moment. Each creature turned its head with interest and began sauntering towards the sound of the strange noise. Jack snatched the phone from Ianto’s pocket and crushed it to pieces underneath his boot. Another round of shrill screaming brought the three humans to their knees once again.

“Shut up!” Jack yelled when he thought his head was going to explode. He fired several rounds towards the ceiling hoping to startle the creatures into silence. If anything, it just upset them more and they continued screaming. The walls shook from the force of the high-pitched wailing. Dust and debris from the aged building began falling to the ground.

“We’ve got to get out of here!” Gwen yelled as she pressed her hands over her ears as hard as she could.

“The whole place is about to come down,” Owen yelled, motioning for Tosh to follow him into main room. They almost made it to their kneeling teammates before the deafening noise made it impossible to go any further.

Wind blew through the building as massive chunks of rock started fall.

“Do you hear that?” Ianto yelled.

“What?” Gwen and Jack replied in unison.

“That sound? Do you hear it?” Ianto repeated, afraid to uncover his ears for fear of bursting an eardrum in the process.

“Is that – “ Jack shook his head. “'Tainted Love?'”

“I refuse to die with 'Tainted Love' playing in the background!” Owen hissed, wishing he could remove his hands from his ears and cross his arms over his chest.

The creatures turned away from Torchwood team and stepped towards the blue police box that appeared on the wooden platform.

“What the hell is he doing?” Jack growled as he stood up and offered his hands to Gwen and Ianto.

“He could be having a hair band revival for all I care,” Owen replied. “He got those things to shut up.”

The door to the TARDIS opened, the music getting louder as the Doctor strutted out, his head bobbing in time with the loud music.

“Hullo, Jack!” the Doctor called with a friendly wave.

“Doctor, get away from there! Those things are going to eat you!” Jack yelled, lifting his gun and preparing to fire. The alien closet to the Doctor opened its mouth to reveal several rows of large, saw-shaped teeth.

“Put your gun away, Jack,” the Doctor ordered. “I’m quite safe.” Yeah, Jack had heard that a time or two in the past.

Several drops of saliva that could easily fill a bucket slipped between the creature’s teeth as it bobbed its head.

“I can’t watch,” Gwen murmured as she pressed her face against Jack’s shoulder.

“He’s crazy,” Owen mumbled, shaking his head.

The sound of clapping hands filled the room as each alien pounded its six legs to the floor in time with the music.

“I haven’t seen the likes of you six in decades! How have you been? Composed any new symphonies? Your last performance I attended on Cephelian was brilliant! You have no idea how long I had to stand in line to get those tickets.”

Jack loudly cleared his throat causing the all seven aliens in the room to turn their heads with annoyance.

“Right,” the Doctor said suddenly, “We were just leaving.” He returned to the TARDIS, the six aliens following him contently, as the Doctor prattled out about musical notation and the sonic qualities of tone and texture.

The sounds of 'Tainted Love' faded as the TARDIS dematerialized, leaving the Torchwood team staring at the empty platform.

It was Owen that recovered first. “Could someone please explain to me what the hell just happened?”

Jack shrugged as he holstered his gun. Sometimes it was better not to ask. All he knew was that a certain Time Lord better return with all his arms and legs attached.

“'Tainted Love?'” Gwen asked, shaking her head.

“Could be worse, I suppose,” Ianto replied. “At least it wasn’t Britney Spears.”

Chapter 2
Tags: doctor who, fanfic, parker and cohen, torchwood

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