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FIC: The Adventures of Parker and Cohen
Author: NightRider
Rating: G - This chapter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Beta: The forever amazing starxd_sparrow
Characters: The Tenth Doctor and the Torchwood Team
Summary: The Doctor's antics continue and with Owen as a guide, how will Jack ever cope?
A/N: This is the sequel to Scorched Food. You'll see the similarities in the next chapter. :)
Dedication: For my gentle reader, petit_fox.





“Gwen, go around back,” Jack whispered into his ear piece. “Let’s see if we can take them by surprise.”

“There’s too many of them,” Ianto hissed, his hand shaking as he reached for his gun.

“Does anyone even know what the hell they are?” Owen asked.

“That would be planning ahead,” Tosh replied while pressing several buttons on the device she was holding. “Torchwood doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”

“Oi! I heard that!” Jack growled.

“Shhhh.”

Jack shook his head and decided to keep issuing orders; acting like he knew exactly what he was doing was half the battle. “Owen, you and Tosh cover the exit in case they try to run.”

“Perhaps I’m the only one that noticed, but each one of those creatures has six legs. If they decide to run, nothing short of one of Ianto’s boring stories is going to stop them,” Owen replied.

“We want to incapacitate them, not kill them,” Tosh said with a mischievous grin.

“Was I talking to myself earlier?” Jack asked. “I thought I said for you and Owen to cover the exit. Ianto, with me.”

“Yeah, that’s a huge surprise,” Owen muttered. “He could at least be honest. ‘Ianto, on me.’”

“Will you four stop bickering?” Gwen hissed through the earpiece. “They’re starting to move.”

“Hurry, Ianto, tell them a story!”

“Owen,” Jack barked, “Shut up and do your job!”

“I’m doing my job. Just with more attitude and general heroic behavior.”

“Does general heroic behavior also include being a complete bastard?” Ianto asked.

Jack sighed, pushing Ianto into the corner when one of the massive blue creatures glanced in their direction. “When we’re finished here, I’m taking every one of your earpieces.”

“Spoilsport.”

Jack carefully looked around the corner. Five - no, six, large blue aliens were milling around the front pews of the old church and appeared to be inspecting the ancient pipe organ. Why did it have to be a church? Not that Jack was a religious man, but churches raised the overall creepiness factor by at least twenty percent.

“Okay, I’m going to go out there and see what they want,” Jack whispered, nodding to Ianto.

“Jack, they’ve got teeth as big as your leg. Short of a better dental plan, I think I can tell you what they want,” Ianto growled, trying to keep his voice down.

“I think we should go with the 'Ianto, tell them a story' idea,” Gwen murmured.

“Just stay back until we know what their intentions are,” Jack ordered before stepping out from behind the wall and approaching the loitering aliens.

“Captain Jack Harkness from Tor –“

A blood curdling screech filled the expansive room causing Jack to drop on his knees and cover his ears.

“Jack, are you all right?” Ianto called as he rounded the corner to follow his leader. The aliens had the same reaction to Ianto’s approach, lifting their massive heads towards the vaulted ceiling and screaming loudly.

Gwen ran into the room, pointing her gun towards the closest alien and waiting for Jack to give the order to fire.

The aliens pounded the floor with their feet, shaking their heads violently back and forth.

“Jack, do you need back up?” Owen whispered, his tone serious. He glanced at Tosh who was mirroring his expression of concern. They didn’t want to be covering the stupid exit while their teammates were in danger. “What do you want us to do?” Owen repeated.

“I don’t think they want to talk,” Gwen whispered as she and Ianto pulled Jack to his feet.

In keeping with Torchwood’s usual luck – see also: no luck at all -, Ianto’s cell phone started ringing a jovial tune at the most inopportune moment. Each creature turned its head with interest and began sauntering towards the sound of the strange noise. Jack snatched the phone from Ianto’s pocket and crushed it to pieces underneath his boot. Another round of shrill screaming brought the three humans to their knees once again.

“Shut up!” Jack yelled when he thought his head was going to explode. He fired several rounds towards the ceiling hoping to startle the creatures into silence. If anything, it just upset them more and they continued screaming. The walls shook from the force of the high-pitched wailing. Dust and debris from the aged building began falling to the ground.

“We’ve got to get out of here!” Gwen yelled as she pressed her hands over her ears as hard as she could.

“The whole place is about to come down,” Owen yelled, motioning for Tosh to follow him into main room. They almost made it to their kneeling teammates before the deafening noise made it impossible to go any further.

Wind blew through the building as massive chunks of rock started fall.

“Do you hear that?” Ianto yelled.

“What?” Gwen and Jack replied in unison.

“That sound? Do you hear it?” Ianto repeated, afraid to uncover his ears for fear of bursting an eardrum in the process.

“Is that – “ Jack shook his head. “'Tainted Love?'”

“I refuse to die with 'Tainted Love' playing in the background!” Owen hissed, wishing he could remove his hands from his ears and cross his arms over his chest.

The creatures turned away from Torchwood team and stepped towards the blue police box that appeared on the wooden platform.

“What the hell is he doing?” Jack growled as he stood up and offered his hands to Gwen and Ianto.

“He could be having a hair band revival for all I care,” Owen replied. “He got those things to shut up.”

The door to the TARDIS opened, the music getting louder as the Doctor strutted out, his head bobbing in time with the loud music.

“Hullo, Jack!” the Doctor called with a friendly wave.

“Doctor, get away from there! Those things are going to eat you!” Jack yelled, lifting his gun and preparing to fire. The alien closet to the Doctor opened its mouth to reveal several rows of large, saw-shaped teeth.

“Put your gun away, Jack,” the Doctor ordered. “I’m quite safe.” Yeah, Jack had heard that a time or two in the past.

Several drops of saliva that could easily fill a bucket slipped between the creature’s teeth as it bobbed its head.

“I can’t watch,” Gwen murmured as she pressed her face against Jack’s shoulder.

“He’s crazy,” Owen mumbled, shaking his head.

The sound of clapping hands filled the room as each alien pounded its six legs to the floor in time with the music.

“I haven’t seen the likes of you six in decades! How have you been? Composed any new symphonies? Your last performance I attended on Cephelian was brilliant! You have no idea how long I had to stand in line to get those tickets.”

Jack loudly cleared his throat causing the all seven aliens in the room to turn their heads with annoyance.

“Right,” the Doctor said suddenly, “We were just leaving.” He returned to the TARDIS, the six aliens following him contently, as the Doctor prattled out about musical notation and the sonic qualities of tone and texture.

The sounds of 'Tainted Love' faded as the TARDIS dematerialized, leaving the Torchwood team staring at the empty platform.

It was Owen that recovered first. “Could someone please explain to me what the hell just happened?”

Jack shrugged as he holstered his gun. Sometimes it was better not to ask. All he knew was that a certain Time Lord better return with all his arms and legs attached.

“'Tainted Love?'” Gwen asked, shaking her head.

“Could be worse, I suppose,” Ianto replied. “At least it wasn’t Britney Spears.”

Chapter 2

Comments

( 42 comments — Leave a comment )
petit_fox
Aug. 16th, 2008 06:31 pm (UTC)
“He could at least be honest. ‘Ianto, on me.’”
LOL! Haha, Owen is so...Owen xD That made me really laugh.

Yay at creepiness factor! LOL. And you're completely right honey! Come on. Dark corners, churches, rainy avenues... that's Torchwood! :D

“Is that – “ Jack shook his head. “'Tainted Love?'”
SOMETIMES I FEEL I'VE GOT TO....RUN AWAY!..*starts singing and thinking of Nine* Brilliant.

LOL! The Doctor is coming out and wants to make music with those aliens?!?!? I'm down now, on my floor (again, I think I have to tidy up my room *whistles*) Haha, that's brilliant!" I have to think of music of the spheres. The Doctor rules.
Poor Owen who doesn't want to die while listening to Tainted Love. Hey, it could be really worse *points to Ianto* Britney! *drop deap*

Well. You see, I'm so done now because NEW STORY WRITTEN by you! And so many thanks to you for this lovely dedication! I feel so honoured.

I must say I just love your style. All those lines were brilliant. Very catchy and...yeah, one liners. They fit and so many made me giggle (can't quote all of them xD)

Sorry. I feel a bit noncoherent and I have to leave now for a birthday party... I'm so happy that I was able to read it instantly! Wohoo! You already know....I can't wait for more! *hugs*




nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 06:37 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! :)

Yeah, a church in a dark alley...and it's raining. Welcome to Torchwood!

You know I always have to give a shout out to Nine. :) He was the first Doctor I fell in love with. Of course now I wouldn't trade Ten for anything, but I still love Nine.

You're very welcome for the dedication! You deserve it!

Wait until you meet 'Parker and Cohen'. ;) Things will start making sense soon. I suppose I'll just say hang on for the ride. lol

Have a great time at your party!
(no subject) - petit_fox - Aug. 16th, 2008 10:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Aug. 18th, 2008 12:22 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - petit_fox - Aug. 18th, 2008 01:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
aschicca
Aug. 16th, 2008 07:15 pm (UTC)
OMG look at that! I was happily chatting away with you in the Blue Blanket Hotel and was missing this!!!! Unbelievable...

“Yeah, that’s a huge surprise,” Owen muttered. “He could at least be honest. ‘Ianto, on me.’”
LOL! God I'm going to miss Owen so much... his dark humour always made me giggle.

The Doctor making his great entrance and then happily going away with the aliens the moment later was priceless! I could *so* see their faces!!! Jack's especially *G*

Can't wait for chapter 2 now ♥
nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 07:18 pm (UTC)
Well, the Blue Blanket Hotel is pretty exciting. :D

Owen is the perfect character for random snarky comments. Honestly, what's not to love?

LOL Yeah, the Doctor probably has no idea that Jack's upset. Silly Time Lord.

We're going to meet 'Parker and Cohen' and a serious case of mistaken identities the next chapter. It should be interesting!

Thanks for the lovely review! *hugs*
(no subject) - aschicca - Aug. 16th, 2008 07:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Aug. 16th, 2008 08:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
dark_dreymer
Aug. 16th, 2008 07:32 pm (UTC)
Yay, Scorched Food was funny and this looks like it's going to follow that trend. I'm sure everyone will end up quoting it but... “Yeah, that’s a huge surprise,” Owen muttered. “He could at least be honest. ‘Ianto, on me.’”

BTW, which version of Tainted Love? he original by Soft Cell, the 'worst cover ever' by Marylin Manson (According to Hanna and Ashley at least) or the worser than worse cover ever by that girl band that is like every other girl band?
nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 08:21 pm (UTC)
In keeping with the Scorched Food theme, I'm going to try to keep up the humor. ;) I'll admit I laughed more writing the second chapter. Hopefully everyone will see the humor. :D

I was listening to Soft Cell's version of 'Tainted Love'. That's the only one I know! lol

Thanks for the review!
skullgirl013
Aug. 16th, 2008 07:50 pm (UTC)
Oh this was so funny, love the last line that was just so Ianto!
I can't wait to see where this goes =)
nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
dameruth
Aug. 16th, 2008 08:14 pm (UTC)
Loved Jack's line about taking away everyone's earpieces. And Owen's snark was perfect! Looking forward to the rest. :D

Edited at 2008-08-16 08:14 pm (UTC)
nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 08:22 pm (UTC)
It's always to get a review from an author I adore and respect!

Thank you!
(no subject) - dameruth - Aug. 16th, 2008 08:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
the_summoning_d
Aug. 16th, 2008 09:53 pm (UTC)
“That would be planning ahead,” Tosh replied while pressing several buttons on the device she was holding. “Torchwood doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”

*giggles* Very true. 'Scorched Food' was fantastic, I can't wait to see where this goes ^^
nightrider101
Aug. 16th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)

vail_kagami
Aug. 16th, 2008 11:44 pm (UTC)
“That would be planning ahead,” Tosh replied while pressing several buttons on the device she was holding. “Torchwood doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”
Tosh, you just summed up your team!

I love this story. It wins!
petit-fox is such a lucky person. One day I've got to bribe you into dedicating a story to me. :P

“Hurry, Ianto, tell them a story!”
I laughed so hard! I knew Ianto had to be good for something! (Other than shagging Jack, I mean.)

And once again the Doctor pwns Torchwood. As he should.
nightrider101
Aug. 17th, 2008 04:00 am (UTC)
Thank you so much!

One day I've got to bribe you into dedicating a story to me. :P

Everything I write is dedicated to you by default. ;) I'll have to make it official soon! I need to write an angsty story to dedicate to you, my Queen of Angst!

Thanks again for the lovely feedback. :)

jujuberry136
Aug. 17th, 2008 06:56 am (UTC)
Fantastic!!

Absolutely brilliant- a whole new story from you!

Thanks for sharing, I'm excited to hear the whole story on the "tainted love" loving aliens. :)
nightrider101
Aug. 17th, 2008 05:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! :)
shinodabear
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:18 am (UTC)
Quotage!!

“That would be planning ahead,” Tosh replied while pressing several buttons on the device she was holding. “Torchwood doesn’t believe in that sort of thing.”


“Perhaps I’m the only one that noticed, but each one of those creatures has six legs. If they decide to run, nothing short of one of Ianto’s boring stories is going to stop them,” Owen replied.

“We want to incapacitate them, not kill them,” Tosh said with a mischievous grin.


“I refuse to die with 'Tainted Love' playing in the background!” Owen hissed, wishing he could remove his hands from his ears and cross his arms over his chest.




I could have quoted more, but I only did so for the ones that made me sputter for a while. These lines were HILARIOUS! The whole thing was, really. I love your fics. :) *Hermit hugs*


nightrider101
Aug. 18th, 2008 12:20 am (UTC)
YAY for quotage! :D

I'm so glad this made you laugh. :) I always worry if everyone else will find it funny.

I'm actually pleased with the next chapter. Hopefully it won't disappoint!

*hugs*

So, how are things going at the Hotel this fine Sunday evening?
(no subject) - shinodabear - Aug. 18th, 2008 12:29 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Aug. 18th, 2008 12:35 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shinodabear - Aug. 18th, 2008 12:38 am (UTC) - Expand
souleswanderer
Aug. 18th, 2008 01:15 am (UTC)
Oh this is....just a sec...looking up the thesaurus...wow...sixty two choices. You don't mind if I just use bloody fantastic, do you?

It made me laugh, giggle, squee and snort.../wipes Mt Dew from the hapless keyboard and screen.

Brilliant start on the sequel...I could so see the conversation between Jack and his team and then in the midst of the hullabaloo (is that a word?) the Doctor comes out being his usualy 'punk' self... ROFL!!

You know Jack so wanted to ring his neck!

And Owen, 'What the hell just happened?'...all the TW members but Jack staring open-mouthed at the empty space.

Oh Doctor, you are so much enjoyment!! And you've nailed this brilliantly in the theme of scorched food. Sorry it took you telling me it was posted, /face palm.

MOOOOOOOOOOOORE! /send oversized UPS truck full of carrots!

/runs to hide
nightrider101
Aug. 18th, 2008 01:18 am (UTC)
You know Jack so wanted to ring his neck!

LOL You have no idea! It's only going to get worse. :P

And you've nailed this brilliantly in the theme of scorched food.

Thank you so much! I was very proud of Scorched Food. I'm so glad you thought this continued in that vein. :) Truly, that's wonderful praise.

No worries about me having to tell you that it's posted. I know you've been extremely busy lately. *huggles*

MOOOOOOOOOOOORE! /send oversized UPS truck full of carrots!

YOU!!!! Don't make me come after you! I know where you live!

And I can be proud of myself. ;) The second chapter is finished and off to the beta shop. I'm working on the third chapter now. Things have just started getting interesting. :D


(no subject) - souleswanderer - Aug. 18th, 2008 01:27 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Aug. 18th, 2008 01:28 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - souleswanderer - Aug. 18th, 2008 03:54 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Aug. 18th, 2008 08:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
sarkywoman
Aug. 19th, 2008 01:45 am (UTC)
Still lovin' it!
nightrider101
Aug. 19th, 2008 02:10 am (UTC)
Thank you!

On a side note, your icon is fabulous!
cath_lovesyou
Aug. 20th, 2008 02:46 am (UTC)
“'Tainted Love?'” Gwen asked, shaking her head.

“Could be worse, I suppose,” Ianto replied. “At least it wasn’t Britney Spears.”

always end on a good note! a great story!
nightrider101
Aug. 20th, 2008 10:53 pm (UTC)
Thank you! :)
trillianastra
Sep. 4th, 2008 05:45 pm (UTC)
Oooh shiny.

You know, "Tainted Love" always make me think about Captain John. Specifically, his relationship with Jack.

Ah well. The Doctor was kinda awesome in this too. And Team TW going "What. The. HELL. is he doing?"
trillianastra
Sep. 4th, 2008 05:46 pm (UTC)
(forgot something.)

I think I know who "Parker and Cohen" are. If I'm right...

GENIUS.
(no subject) - nightrider101 - Sep. 5th, 2008 01:29 am (UTC) - Expand
hab318princess
Oct. 15th, 2008 12:35 pm (UTC)
Loving the song references - mayby Jack / Boe will remember them when the Earth explodes? (Sorry, geek lurking)

Just catching up and am off to the next chapter now.



nightrider101
Dec. 16th, 2008 11:47 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry I haven't responded until now!

Better late than never, I suppose. ;)

Thank you for the kind review! I hope you enjoyed the rest of the story!
( 42 comments — Leave a comment )

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