Rating: G - This chapter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Beta: The forever amazing starxd_sparrow
Characters: The Tenth Doctor and the Torchwood Team
Summary: The Doctor's antics continue and with Owen as a guide, how will Jack ever cope?
A/N: This is the sequel to Scorched Food. The crack continues!
Dedication: For my gentle reader, petit_fox.
I still have power! Woot!
“We’re going to need to have your coat cleaned, Sir,” Ianto commented after seeing Jack’s disheveled appearance. He received what could only be described as a grunt in response.
“What’s wrong with him?” Gwen asked as she slipped out of her jacket.
Owen glanced at Jack who was sulking over a cup of coffee and attempting to disappear between the couch cushions. “My guess? His time traveling boyfriend showed up, handled the alien threat while schooling Torchwood in the process, and disappeared with the aforementioned alien threat without a proper kiss hello.”
“Owen, never miss a good chance to shut up,” Jack said quietly. The underlying threat didn’t fall on deaf ears.
“What? It was only a guess,” Owen muttered after he noticed the glares of his other three teammates.
Tosh settled at her computer station while Gwen started reviewing some police reports that Andy had suggested she look at during her “free time.” Ianto seemed content to tidy up the Hub. Jack was still trying to become one with the sofa.
“Right, see you tomorrow, then,” Owen said, grabbing his jacket and walking towards the exit.
Tosh glanced up from the computer screen. “You’re leaving?”
“I, unlike some people around here, have a life.”
“Have fun at the pub,” Gwen said.
“Let’s see if he shows up on time tomorrow,” Ianto muttered after Owen was out of earshot.
“Why would tomorrow be different than any other day?” Tosh asked.
The pub was crowded which was to be expected for a Friday night. Owen pushed to the bar and grinned at the attractive barmaid while pulling his wallet out of his back pocket.
“Pint of Landlord, please.”
She stared at him for several seconds before retrieving the requested ale.
“Are you –“ She pushed her black hair out of her eyes and blinked several times. “Never mind.” The young woman blushed, snatched the money from Owen’s hand, and quickly left to take someone else’s order.
Owen shrugged and started searching for an empty table. A tall, lanky man bumped into him and nearly caused his glass to slip out of his hand. “Oi! Careful, mate!”
The man was quick to apologize. “Oh, I’m terribly sorry! I didn’t realize - ”
Owen nearly dropped his glass a second time. “Doctor?”
“What the hell?” Owen glanced behind the Doctor to see if anyone was with him. “What are you doing here? Has something happened?”
The Doctor shook his head clearly confused. “Why does everyone always ask me that?”
Owen was going to reference the numerous stories he’d heard about the Doctor and how trouble seemed to be synonymous with his name, but he opted for a simpler approach. “Does Jack know you’re here?”
The Doctor shoved his coat aside so he could rest his hands on his hips. “What kind of question is that? I’ll have you know that Jack isn’t my keeper. I’ve managed to survive a long time without the assistance of the infamous Captain Jack. If anyone needs a keeper around here, it’s -”
Owen raised his hand. “It was just a question, mate. No reason to get all tetchy.”
The Doctor dropped his hands to his sides. “I’m not being tetchy.”
“Well, since you’re here, get yourself a drink.”
The Doctor raised his eyebrow curiously. “You’re inviting me to join you?”
“Are you kidding? The look on Jack’s face tomorrow when I tell him who I went out drinking with? Well worth the price of admission if you ask me.”
The Doctor shrugged, whatever Owen just said went sailing right by him. “What’s good here? Do they have tea?”
Owen blinked several times. “Tea?”
“That’s what I said, yes.”
“You’re at a pub!” Owen said, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. “No one who’s sitting with me is going to be drinking tea. That’s just…insane.” He shoved the Time Lord out of the way and returned to the bar to order the clueless man a proper drink.
The barmaid walked over to Owen and she glanced over his shoulder at the Doctor. She opened and closed her mouth several times as she pointed at the two men.
“Oh my god! It’s Cohen and Parker!” she nearly yelled causing several people standing around them to look with interest.
“I’m sorry,” Owen began, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”
“Of course we haven’t met!” the cheerful barmaid replied, propping one arm on the bar and batting her long, black eyelashes several times. “I’m Shannon.”
Owen, never one to turn down a nice offer, said, “I’m –“
“Cohen,” she interjected with a wink. “I know who you are. Let me just say that I love your music.”
“My music?” Owen repeated.
The Doctor moved to stand beside Owen. “You must have us confused with –“
Shannon cut across him, her gaze raking over the baffled Doctor several times. “You’re even better looking in person, Parker. Great tie, by the way.” She smiled as the Doctor turned several shades of red. “What can I get for you, love? I can to make something special just for you.”
“I bet you could,” Owen murmured, his eyes fixed on the attractive woman.
The Doctor tugged on his collar. “I’m fi –“
“Now don’t be rude, Parker,” Owen interjected, jabbing the Doctor in the ribs. “Make him something good, sweetheart.” Owen winked at the young woman causing her to blush. She grabbed several bottles from the top shelf and started pouring them into a glass.
The Doctor grabbed Owen by the shoulder and spun him around. “What do you think you’re doing and who exactly are Parker and Cohen?”
Owen shrugged. “Fuck if I know. Musicians, maybe?”
The Doctor crossed his arms over his chest. “She obviously thinks we’re people that we’re not. It’s not right to take advantage of her generosity.”
“Oh really?” Owen hissed, mirroring the Doctor’s stance. “Are you going to stand there and tell me you’ve never pretended to be something that you’re not?”
The Doctor opened his mouth to reply, but soon realized that the moral high ground wasn’t his to claim.
“You two are cute when you fight,” Shannon said, pushing the alcoholic concoction in the Doctor’s general direction.
“Best of mates, we are,” Owen said with a large grin as he grabbed the Doctor’s shoulder and squeezed tightly.
The Doctor pulled away from Owen, and lifted the drink Shannon had provided to eye level. He reached into his coat pocket, and stopped when he felt Owen’s hand on his arm.
“I swear if you pull anything sonic out of that jacket, I’m inviting every woman in this bar on a trip in that blue box of yours,” Owen threatened.
The Doctor glanced around the bar and saw that he and Owen had somehow become the center of attention. A small group of women and several men had gathered around them and started introducing themselves. Somewhere between Jessica who attends Cardiff University, Ben who enjoys playing rugby, and Gina who lives on Oakfield Street, the Doctor downed the drink Shannon had provided for him.
The Doctor wasn’t sure who bought the next round or the three rounds after that. He decided he liked the fruity mixers Shannon made more than the beer Owen was trying to cram down his throat. He also realized that he missed Jack. The Doctor glanced at his drink curiously and wondered what exactly was being put in these beverages.
“Keep drinking, mate,” Owen encouraged with a wink, sliding another mixer across the table.
These types of endeavors were more fun with Jack around, not that Owen wasn’t holding his own - if holding your own counted as holding a blonde beauty on your lap.
“Everything okay, Parker?” Gina asked, leaning over and combing her fingertips through the Doctor’s hair. It wasn’t that the Doctor didn’t like the attention, because, well, who wouldn’t like the attention? He might be an alien, but he wasn’t blind. He also wasn’t sure about Ben – Benjamin – Benny –whatever his name was – that was giving him the eye from across the pub. The whole situation felt awkward and alarmingly human.
“We can call Jack if you want,” Owen said with a sigh. “I mean, you obviously have codependency issues. Who am I to judge?” Owen pressed his hand against the woman’s back. “Slide over, sweetheart, so I can grab my phone.”
The Doctor glared across the table. “I do not have codependency issues!”
“So who’s Jack?” Gina asked with obvious interest.
“He’s –“ Owen paused, not wanting to drop the charade just yet. “Our bodyguard.”
“Oh, you need a bodyguard? That’s terrible!”
“Well, Parker has a tendency to find trouble,” Owen explained, smirking at the Doctor’s continued death glare. “I’m not sure why, but he seems to feel more comfortable when Jack is around. Now me, on the other hand, I prefer to handle life’s challenges on my –“
Somewhere during Owen’s speech, the Doctor decided he hadn’t lived over nine hundred years to put up with this. He swallowed the drink he’d been holding, the glass slamming on the table when he finished.
Owen grinned, his gaze meeting the Doctor’s. “That’s just my game.” He winked at the Time Lord. “I’ll get the next round.”
The drinks continued coming and the Doctor decided that perhaps this little human encounter wasn’t that bad after all. Ben – Benny – whatever – was a music enthusiast and caught the Doctor in a discussion about the relationship between mathematics and music. The Doctor, who was feeling rather good about himself and the Universe in general, didn’t even mind that Ben’s arm was around his neck. Such a friendly group, the Doctor decided.
And as long nights at the pub often go, someone decided that switching to tequila was a good idea. Everyone readily agreed.
Somewhere between several spilled drinks and the Doctor removing his tie, someone asked if Parker and Cohen would be kind enough to perform for their fans. “Of course we’ll do a song!” Owen yelled, lifting his glass and slopping some of the amber colored liquid on the table. “We’d be happy to!”
The Doctor, whose tie had somehow ended up around his head, stared at Owen. “We’re going to do what?”
“A song.” Owen fixed him with a pointed look. “You do remember how to play, don’t you?”
“I seem to have forgotten my guitar in the TARDIS,” the Doctor replied.
“Oh, what’s a TARDIS?” Gina asked.
“A town,” Owen replied, kicking the Doctor under the table. “His mother lives there.”
“That’s so sweet,” Jessica said, leaning against the Doctor’s side. “You still take time out of your busy schedule to visit your mum.”
“Yep, he’s a giver,” Owen said smugly. He stood up, grabbed the tie that was hanging over the Doctor’s nose, and tugged the Time Lord to his feet. “Come on, Parker, let’s go get ready. We wouldn’t want to disappoint our fans.”
“And what exactly do you think we’re going to do for instruments?” the Doctor asked as Owen weaved through the crowd.
“We wing it,” Owen replied. “I hear you’re good at that sort of thing.”
“You have no idea,” the Doctor muttered before taking deep breath, blowing the tie off his face and over his shoulder. Things couldn’t possibly go wrong, could they? Not when the Universe was this warm, this beautiful, this… lopsided. “Allons-y!”
Several minutes later a man in the back of the audience was shaking his head. He yanked his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contact list, stopping when he reached Gwen Cooper.
“Andy Davidson,” Gwen answered promptly, her tone warm and friendly. “I didn’t expect to hear from you tonight. Everything okay?”
“You’re not going to believe this,” Andy replied. “Do you hear that?” He lifted his phone over his head.
“Is that - Owen? Please tell me he’s not singing ‘I Love Rock n’ Roll.’”
Andy pressed the phone tightly against his ear to be heard over the pounding music and screaming audience. “You’ve got to get down here.”
“We’re on our way,” Gwen replied before hanging up the phone and turning to her colleagues. “Change of plan. We’re going to the pub.”