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FIC: The Adventures of Parker and Cohen 3/6

FIC: The Adventures of Parker and Cohen
Author: NightRider
Rating: G - This chapter
Fandom: Doctor Who/Torchwood
Beta: The forever amazing starxd_sparrow
Characters: The Tenth Doctor and the Torchwood Team
Summary: The Doctor's antics continue and with Owen as a guide, how will Jack ever cope?
A/N: This is the sequel to Scorched Food. The crack continues!
Dedication: For my gentle reader, petit_fox.

I promise I'm going somewhere with this - I think.




Jack originally declined the offer to go watch Owen embarrass himself, but he soon decided that this little escapade could have years worth of blackmail potential. And as Ianto so eloquently put it, “It’ll be a laugh, won’t it?”

As the team clambered out of the SUV, one of the men milling around outside said, “Good luck finding a place to sit.”

“Yeah, Parker and Cohen are playing tonight,” a woman gleefully informed them.

“Parker and Cohen?” Gwen asked.

The woman gave her a strange look implying Gwen had just crawled out from underneath a rock somewhere. “The Parker and Cohen? You haven’t heard of them?”

Gwen shrugged, mumbled something about not getting out much, and followed her friends inside.

Jack was a man of action, a hero, someone who was prepared for anything and who always knew what to say; all of those things were true until he got full view of the stage.

“What the - ?” Jack groaned, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

Gwen, Jack, Ianto, and Tosh stood shoulder to shoulder staring slack-jawed at the stage across the pub. The Doctor and Owen were back to back, the music of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me” blaring through the loudspeakers. Owen’s tongue was wedged between his teeth as he played his air guitar for all he was worth, and the Doctor -

“What is he doing?” Jack yelled, mesmerized as the Doctor, sans coat and jacket - and were the top two buttons of his shirt undone as well? - sang the lyrics “I’m hot, sticky sweet.” To add insult to injury, the unlikely duo were actually decent singers and far better entertainers than their friends expected.

Gwen was fanning herself with her handbag. “You have to admit, he’s rather nice, isn’t he?”

“Think about Rhys, will you?” Jack barked, pushing through the crowd stalking towards the stage. “They’re drunk,” Jack growled. “I can smell it from here.”

“Um…you do realize you’re in a pub, don’t you?” Tosh asked. The glare Jack tossed over his shoulder made her realize now was not the time to be rational. No, now was the time for Jack to act like a complete arse, and that promised to be far more entertaining.

A human wall appeared in front of them. “Excuse me,” Jack said, attempting to get around the man that introduced himself as Ben. The wall didn’t move nor seemed to be impressed by Jack’s glowering.

“Look, I’m Jack,” he said, attempting to reason with the intoxicated fans, “and those are my friends –“

“Oh, you’re their bodyguard!” Gina said.

Jack’s jaw dropped again. “Their what?”

“This keeps getting better and better,” Ianto said. “I’ll buy the first round.”

“We’re not staying,” Jack announced, much to his team’s dismay. “I’m retrieving our rock stars, and we’re going back to the Hub.”

For the second time that evening, Ianto couldn’t help himself. “Spoilsport.”

Jack tried a second time to get through the throng of people packed close to the stage. He was sure someone purposely tripped him, Benny –whatever his name was - accidentally spilled his drink over Jack’s favorite shirt, and when he almost reached the platform, a familiar tie landed on his head. Jack looked up in time to see the Doctor wink at him.

“Alien bastard,” Jack muttered while trying his best to look threatening. He crooked his finger at the Doctor and hoped he was sending the silent message of “Get your alien backside down here – now.” This always worked well for his team. The Doctor, however, failed to notice Jack’s intimidating pose.

“How about something special for my friend, Jack?” the Doctor asked into the microphone. The cheap equipment squealed obnoxiously, and the Doctor shook his head. “This won’t do, will it?” The audience, caught in the moment, responded with a boisterous “No!” Pulling his sonic screwdriver out of his trousers pocket, he flipped it twice in the air before holding the blue light to the microphone. “That better?” he asked, the clarity of his voice increased tenfold. The audience screamed and the Doctor winked, tossed his sonic screwdriver in the air, and slipped it back into his pocket.

It was official: the crowd was in love.

“You’ll risk a riot if you pull them down now,” Tosh pointed out, forever the voice of reason.

“Best to let them finish,” Gwen said, her gaze not wavering from the performers.

“Beer?” Ianto offered, passing a mixed drink to Tosh and a bottle to Gwen.

“Right, where were we?” the Doctor asked the crowd. “Oh yes! Something special for my dear Captain.”

Gwen nearly choked on her drink, and Tosh murmured a distinct “Aww.”

Jack covered his face with his hands as the Doctor began to sing “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” He figured he knew the Doctor pretty well, and if he knew anything about the Time Lord, he knew the Doctor gave himself one hundred percent to everything he did – and that obviously including singing karaoke. He wasn’t sure if he should be flattered or start looking for a good place to stick a knife.

Cell phones were flipped open and waved throughout the audience. Ianto had the decency to blush and temporarily close his phone when he noticed that Jack was staring at him.

If anything, the crowd seemed more enthralled when the Doctor selected several alien languages to sing the chorus.

“He might as well get a neon flashing sign that says ‘Hey look! I’m a Time Lord!” Jack grumbled.

“Yeah, because you know Torchwood keeps such a low profile,” Tosh replied.

“At least we’re human!”

“Only just,” Ianto murmured before gulping down most of his beer. He left to retrieve another round before Jack could respond.

Owen stripped out of his jacket, passing it to Tosh and giving her a private wink before resuming his backup vocals and air guitar playing. Shannon, the ever helpful barmaid, kept placing drinks on a table towards the back of the small stage that Owen and the Doctor were tossing back between songs.

The crowd erupted into applause the Doctor finished. Jack used his finger to make several slicing motions across his neck in attempt to indicate that Parker and Cohen were officially finished. Jack wasn’t afraid to make a scene if he had to. He was outside of the government and beyond the police, after all. Tonight he’d be lucky he got out of here without the police being called and the government confiscating the Doctor.

“So how do you know them?” Ben, the fanboy, asked, somehow appearing between Gwen and Ianto who had just returned with drinks in hand.

“I’m their manager,” Ianto replied, shrugging when he saw Jack’s glare.

“Don’t you dare get involved in this,” Jack growled. If this kept up, Rolling Stone and Mojo were going to be asking for interviews.

“Why shouldn’t I?” Ianto asked. “You get to be the bodyguard.”

“Not by choice.”

Gwen started coughing and Jack swore there was a ‘liar’ somewhere between her gasps for air.

“I handle the special effects and sound equipment for their shows,” Tosh chimed in. Normally she didn’t participate in the group’s antics, but tonight the fun-loving mood was infectious and she couldn’t resist. Watching Jack squirm was just an unexpected benefit of this little endeavor.

“And what do you do?” Ben asked, gesturing to Gwen.

“I’m just a groupie,” she replied, batting her eyelashes and blowing a kiss towards the stage. Jack could only groan.

“So do you think you can get me an autograph?” Ben asked. “I didn’t think to ask for one earlier.”

“Sure, why not?” Ianto agreed while tossing his arm around Ben’s shoulders.

“No,” Jack interrupted. “There will be no autographs.”

“What about a photograph after the set?” Ben asked.

Jack resisted the urge to throttle the young fan. If he only knew who was really on that stage. “No photographs, no autographs, just – no.” The last thing he needed was to have to explain to UNIT and headquarters why there were videos and pictures of the Doctor trashed at a pub on YouTube.

“Is he always like this?” Ben asked, albeit quietly. He might be drunk, but he wasn’t blind to the fact that the bodyguard was flexing his muscles underneath his skintight shirt.

“You have no idea,” Gwen said with a sigh.

The Doctor started into an extended version of Billy Joel’s classic “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” It would have been fine if the Doctor hadn’t started adding bits about how he was there – Woodstock, Watergate, Budapest, and the assassination of JFK, and pointed out how charming Marilyn Monroe really was. He even offered a little known secret about Pope Paul. Leave it to the Doctor to turn a song into a lesson in twentieth century Earth history.

“Has he seen all that?” Tosh asked curiously.

Jack, whose hands were now covering his face, nodded. He even had the surveillance pictures to prove it, not that he’d tell his team that.

Jack looked up to find Owen smirking at him, his tongue still firmly wedged between his teeth. Jack knew that look. It was the classic Owen ‘I’m smarter than you and I’m plotting something that you probably won’t like – now ask me if I care’ look. Owen was able to convey a lot with his looks, Jack decided. He also decided that if he punched the medic in the face, his ability to express such mischievous looks would be exponentially reduced.

“Dead man walking,” Jack yelled over the music, hoping Owen somehow heard what he was saying. With the amount of alcohol Owen had consumed, Jack figured he could be standing two inches in front of the other man screaming and holding pictures and he wouldn’t have a clue what the hell Jack was saying.

Owen placed his hand on the Doctor’s back and leaned over to whisper something in his ear. Whatever he said, it had the Doctor blushing.

“Are you sure?” the Doctor, glancing between Owen and the audience. The crowd, inebriated and thoroughly enjoying the impromptu performance, screamed their encouragement.

“Just say no!” Jack yelled. “Whatever he told you, don’t do it!”

Jack stepped forward, fully prepared to yank the Doctor and Owen off the stage willing or not. He stopped when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He yanked his cell out of his pocket and recognized the South Wales Police phone number on the lighted screen. There was no way he’d be able to hear anything above the racket of the pub. It figured that tonight would be the night that all hell broke loose in Cardiff. Karma, if you believed in that sort of thing, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Knowing he had to take this call, he leaned over to Ianto and said, “I’ll be back in two minutes. Make sure they don’t do anything stupid.”

“Anything else, you mean,” Ianto replied.

Jack opened his mouth to start yelling, but Ianto cut across him. “Yes, I’ll watch them! Just like everyone else that’s here tonight,” he muttered as he watched Jack disappear into the crowd.

“Must be an important call,” Tosh commented, her eyes fixed on Owen as he and the Doctor switched places.

“It wasn’t,” Gwen replied.

Ianto looked at her curiously. “How do you know?”

“I had Andy call one of constables that’s working tonight and ask them to call Jack,” Gwen stated. “It bought us a few more minutes at least.” She grinned when Ianto and Tosh burst into laughter. “What? You’re just upset that you didn’t think of it first.”

“You’re a genius,” Ianto said, raising his bottle in a toast.

“Jack’s going to kill us,” Tosh said.

When Owen launched into a drunken version of “Feel like Making Love,” the team decided it was well worth it.

Part 4

Comments

( 37 comments — Leave a comment )
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cath_lovesyou
Aug. 27th, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
1 million Choc Chip Cookies to NightRider!


Cheers
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:41 pm (UTC)
*gobbles cookies*

Thank you!
anotherxworld
Aug. 27th, 2008 03:29 am (UTC)
It doesn't get much funnier than this!

Oh god, will they ever stop? This is fantastic, thank you <3
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:42 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!
lilithbint
Aug. 27th, 2008 03:32 am (UTC)
I seriously heart the idea of Owen and the Doctor getting into mischief together, and karaoke was a sublime idea.
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:43 pm (UTC)
I really like Owen's sarky attitude so when I got the idea for the story, there was only one Torchwood member that I thought would go through with this. ;)

Thanks for the kind review.
saimhe
Aug. 27th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC)
I am so loving this story. Its a good thing everyone else in my house is in bed, cause I would have made a fool out of myself with my squee of joy at seeing this posted (not to mention continuous giggles as I read...).

I can't wait to read more.
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:44 pm (UTC)
Thank you for the kind review!

I'm so glad to hear that you're enjoying this story.
souleswanderer
Aug. 27th, 2008 04:28 am (UTC)
It all starts out as a simple trip to get a bit of blackmail material on Owen and Jack finds more than he bargained for!

The Doctor and Owen standing on stage and sounding better than they should...LOL, no better song than Def Leppard's pour some sugar on me. I can just hear the two of them belting that out. Jack's jealous!!! (probably because he has to wait to try that sugar pouring thing on a particular Time Lord) I saw those two top buttons unbuttoned, I know you're creating a frenzied mob here :P

Ben the human wall...and woot! Gina's back!

Oh the Doctor's flirting with Jack, tossing his tie and winking, and then ignores his 'look'. LOL, you know Jack is fuming. And then the Doctor dedicates a song to him...ahhhh.

Cell phones were flipped open and waved throughout the audience. Ianto had the decency to blush and temporarily close his phone when he noticed that Jack was staring at him.
This brought back a whole lot of concert memories, concerts that I worked, mind you..I about spilled my pop on the keyboard when Ianto closed his! At least Jack knows the look works on someone!

Gwen started coughing and Jack swore there was a ‘liar’ somewhere between her gasps for air. innuendos for the win!

The last thing he needed was to have to explain to UNIT and headquarters why there were videos and pictures of the Doctor trashed at a pub on YouTube Please tell me you will be posting the link to the video?????

He also decided that if he punched the medic in the face, his ability to express such mischievous looks would be exponentially reduced. One can really sense the anger Jack is feeling...nice!

Oh, priceless Gwen pulls Andy into the circle of tormentors!!

This will keep me laughing and chuckling all day at work, and you know I'll be laughing out loud when the songs come on our 'muzak' channel at work.

Thanks so much for sharing your brilliant humor with us and I can't wait for MORE!! /screams the fangirl!!

You've got the interactions between the TW folks almost perfect, RTD would be proud, as would Moffatt. I'm almost afraid of what's going to happen when the Doctor sobers up a little....

/huggles

G
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:49 pm (UTC)
I saw those two top buttons unbuttoned, I know you're creating a frenzied mob here :P

Hee! I must admit that I'm thoroughly enjoying that mental image. :D

This will keep me laughing and chuckling all day at work, and you know I'll be laughing out loud when the songs come on our 'muzak' channel at work.

I hope it does! With the long day you're going to have, it this chapter keeps you slightly entertained, it was well worth it to spend the time writing. :)

Thank you for the wonderful review and for all the comments and encouragement off LJ. It means a great deal to me.

*hugs*

(Deleted comment)
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
newra_skylarke
Aug. 27th, 2008 08:54 am (UTC)
i love this. only have one insy problem...... who are parker and cohen? i know its a sinful question, but i have no idea and google has been emensly unhelpful... i'm very sorry!
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:51 pm (UTC)
Parker and Cohen were the names I came up with that sounded like the Doctor and Owen. They're not actually real people. I apologize that I didn't make that more clear at the start of the story.

So, you see, you haven't missed anything. :)

Thanks for taking the time to respond.
petit_fox
Aug. 27th, 2008 12:10 pm (UTC)
Oh! I wasn't at home when you've updated! Bollocks *g* But a nice surprise at least :D

ARGH! I've read the whole part and I couldn't stop to write this comment while reading. So let's start again ;)

First: this is again hilarious ^___^ The party is going on and I fear Jack is going to die xD He is that pissed, woah. I think Owen must suffer a lot... from now on *snickers*

All those songs! Brilliant. I love Billie Joel by the way.

And I would love to see the real Parker and Cohen. Everyone's talking of them and I felt like Jack: WTF?! Who the hell are they? *g* That's making it special and I guess they don't even exist. But it's fun anyway XD

"It was official: the crowd was in love." Awww, that's the doc! No one could resist him, right? Plus... being all geeky and cheeky... with his sonic screwdriver *g* Splendid.

And this line maade me laugh a lot:
"He was outside of the government and beyond the police, after all."
ROFL. That's sooo Torchwood. Now wonder Jack is thinking such lines xD And again... he's furious. Owen is so dead now. But I liked the one wih Owen's glares ^___^ Mischief one! But this Ben is rather... mean. Jack won't like him.
Yay for Ianto and Tosh and Gwen. They area all part of the "Parker and Cohen" Team XD Manager...haha.

What else? *think think think* Always... you write so many wonderful lines and I have to smirk a lot while reading your stories.

Last but not least... your description of Owen and the Doc was quite intriguing. I guess they look very VERY hot in their "outfits" Go on with your work, it's magic :D

btw I hope you're okay after those "rainy" times :) *hugs*
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:56 pm (UTC)
I think Jack's more ruffled, frustrated, and shocked than actually angry. Although with the fake phone call that Gwen staged, I think he's going to be quickly becoming angry. lol

All those songs! Brilliant. I love Billie Joel by the way.

So do I! I tried to pick songs that the majority of the readers would know. I'm glad it worked for you. :)

That's making it special and I guess they don't even exist. But it's fun anyway.

Yeah, Parker and Cohen don't actually exist. Well, they do in this story. There will be a little twist about that later on. ;)

What else? *think think think* Always... you write so many wonderful lines and I have to smirk a lot while reading your stories.

As always, thank you for the wonderful review. I hope you're enjoying this story as much as the first one. I promise once the Doctor and Owen get off the stage we'll start moving into some slashy territory. :)

btw I hope you're okay after those "rainy" times :) *hugs*

We've started to dry out - thank God! *hugs*

Thanks again!

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aschicca
Aug. 27th, 2008 12:42 pm (UTC)
Ok this? Should be advertised as cure against any form of depression because hon, it can't get funnier than this!!!!! And yet I think you could manage.. *G*

Too many lines I adored, too many quotes! So I'll just quote the one that had me giggling like a baby for a good 2 minutes: Cell phones were flipped open and waved throughout the audience. Ianto had the decency to blush and temporarily close his phone when he noticed that Jack was staring at him. *dies* :D

Oh hon, utter brilliance! *bows*
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 02:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much!

It makes me feel good to know that I've made someone laugh. :) Not that I don't appreciate my angst, but sometimes it's nice to just have a good laugh.

Oh hon, utter brilliance! *bows*

Wow! *is flattered* Thank you! :D *hugs*
jujuberry136
Aug. 27th, 2008 07:20 pm (UTC)
I didn't stop laughing the entire time I was reading.
Lovely chapter, thanks so much for sharing!
nightrider101
Aug. 27th, 2008 09:04 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

Thanks for taking the time to respond.
vail_kagami
Aug. 28th, 2008 01:28 pm (UTC)
Aww! So awsome, this fic is! For risk of repeating myself, I truely love their performance!
And the happy uselessness of Jack's team.
Oh, you changed the line about Marilyn Monroe's attraktiveness. I didn't mean to... Nevermind. I like it better this way.
I never doubted the Doctor's and Owen's ability to sing when drunk. Nor Gwen's ability to manipulate Andy to get what she wants...

I couldn't read this sooner because we came home from visiting my brother last night and the internet was completely gone. As was the phone - a building site had destroyed the lines. But now they seem to have been fixed.
At least it gave me plenty of time for undistracted writing.
nightrider101
Aug. 30th, 2008 10:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, you changed the line about Marilyn Monroe's attraktiveness. I didn't mean to... Nevermind. I like it better this way.

I got to thinking about it, and you were right. :) It's not like the Doctor to comment on someone's attractiveness. See, I do listen to you! You give good advice. ;)

Thanks for the lovely review. I'm always so happy to read your thoughts even though you've read most of this before. It means a great deal that you still take the comment.
sarkywoman
Aug. 28th, 2008 11:28 pm (UTC)
STILL SO FULL OF LOVE FOR THIS!
nightrider101
Aug. 30th, 2008 10:13 pm (UTC)
YAY!

I'm thrilled to hear that!
robling_t
Aug. 29th, 2008 06:09 am (UTC)
This is entirely too easy to picture... :)
nightrider101
Aug. 30th, 2008 10:14 pm (UTC)
Hee! I try. ;)

Thank you.
shinodabear
Aug. 29th, 2008 07:00 pm (UTC)
Well now that I 1. Missed this fic the first time around and 2. Lost a huge comment I'd written, I'm a bit upset with you, LJ! Ah well. I'll just have to read through this agian and pick out my quoted bits. ;P

Hilarious as ever, hon! Loved Ianto's snark in here:

“This keeps getting better and better,” Ianto said. “I’ll buy the first round.”

Cell phones were flipped open and waved throughout the audience. Ianto had the decency to blush and temporarily close his phone when he noticed that Jack was staring at him.

I loved those two bits! Also the idea of UNIT looking around Youtube quite appeals to me. Just what are they doing there in the first place, hm? (Posting Christmas party vids where everyone is much too drunk? A video on 25 Things to Do With a Red Beret?) *G* Love it!

*hugs*
nightrider101
Sep. 1st, 2008 09:55 pm (UTC)
Heh. I miss everything the first time around. ;)

I'm so glad you enjoyed this chapter! If I can make someone laugh, it's well worth taking the time to write it.

A video on 25 Things to Do With a Red Beret?

Now that's a video I'd pay to see! :D

*hugs*
molleo
Sep. 4th, 2008 03:09 pm (UTC)
Marvelous! Just marvelous! What wonderful crack you write..how long til we get more? I love happy!Ten. Thanks so much!
nightrider101
Sep. 12th, 2008 11:09 pm (UTC)
Hopefully I'll be in the mood for an extreme humor fic soon. ;) I've got to be feeling rather cracky to get the mood right, if that makes sense.

Wonderful, supportive reviews like yours definitely helps!

Thank you so much!
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